I've signed up to drive long haul for Swift transporation in an effort to make enouph money to pay off my debts.  Let's hope this works out, cause I'm at a loss as to what more I can do to survive this grueling world.  Social security denied me benefits.  Apparently as long as there is some job I can do they won't pay.

Depression encroaches on my life now.  I've dreamed of being a teacher now for 3 years.  I've done all that I can to achieve that goal, but as always there are impenetrable obstacles in my way to achievement, comfort, and sucess.  I've gotten my master's degree in early childhood.  I've signed up with a certifying agency.  Diligently looked for work.  And yet here I sit jobless, without my dream, without a hope left for my future.  I wonder why it is that I continue to have hardship.  I'm told that God loves me and that he is "mindful" of me.  And yet I have nothing.  I don't have the love of a good man, or children of my own, or even a career of my own.  I have no house, though I have a home of sorts where I continue to be a burden to my family and to society.  I can't even say I have my health because I'm diabetic, arthritic, and often feel sick on a daily basis.  Why I continue to draw breathe is beyond me.  There seems to be no purpose to my existence, no worth to my contributions to life.  The only future I have to look forward to is to sit alone at home living on just $650 per month with food stamps and my dogs until my poor tired mother collapses from working so hard to provide for us.  Then I can look forward to recriminations from my family because I'm the loser my mother hung onto until she worked herself to death out of love for me.  Then I can look forward to years of abject poverty until my body finally gives up and give what I've wanted all along and that is death.  But will I have peace and rest then?  I think not, because then I will have to answer to why I was such an abject loser and what I should have done differently.  Then I can look forward to an eternity alone or if some people can be believed I will have to come back here and do this all again.  What kind of hell is that and why do I deserve it?

This is such a great little love story.  I wanted it to go on forever.  I have been daydreaming about the story since I finished it.  This is the last book in the Hollow kingdom trilogy, but I only read the last two books.  Since it was such a great book I'm thinking of going back and reading the first book if I can find it in the library.  This series was written for young adults.  So any kid past the 5th grade should be able to read it. 

If someone is unemployed and patially disabled wouldn't you think there would be a source for healthcare for that person?  Well there used to be in San Antonio but no more.  I have borderline personality disorder and today I tried the see a doctor so I could get some medicene for it.  I was turned away because of my inability to pay.  I know this means that in a week or so the suicidal thoughts and ideation will come back and I will become increasingly irritable and depressed but there isn't anything I can do about it.  What can I do?  I can't find work that I can do well, and I can't get my SSDI reinstated.  I'm lost and no one really cares. 

I support our nation, but when are we going to say enough is enough?  How long are we going to try to clean up a mess that others have made?